事无巨细的溺爱和控制，狭隘的“成功”——这是在剥夺孩子自我认知的机会，这样的养育方式必然将适得其反。

　　朱莉·利斯科特-海姆斯，这位前坦福新生学院院长用激情诙谐的语言，告诉人们一个事实：人生的幸福来自于爱，无条件的爱才是孩子真正需要的。

　　父母的职责不是把孩子们变成我们想要的样子，而是支持他们做辉煌的自己。

　　1

　　我从没想过做一个育儿专家，事实上，我本身对育儿也没什么兴趣。只是因为当今有一种育儿方式，会把孩子搞得一团糟，阻碍他们个人特质的培养。这种育儿方式，正大行其道。

　　 

　　我想说的是，我们花了很多精力去担心父母没有足够参与到孩子的人生、教育以及养育过程中，这理所当然。但如果走上另一个极端，也会有很多坏处。比如，家长认为，孩子自己不可能成功，除非父母可以随时保护和纠正，关注孩子的每件小事，掌控他们的每个细节，引导他们进入名牌大学，找到好工作。

　　 

　　当我们这样养育孩子，我用的是“我们”，因为上帝知道，在养育我的两个十来岁孩子的时候，我自己确实也有这种倾向，让我们的孩子过一种清单式的童年。

　　 

　　清单式的生活，就是：

　　我们确保他们安全、健康、吃好、喝好，然后期望他们进入好学校，并且是好学校的好班级，在好学校好班级中还要取得好成绩。并且不只是成绩，还要拿高分，不只要好成绩和高分，还要获得荣誉和奖项，要参加运动、活动、还要有领导力。

　　我们告诉孩子，不要只是参加社团，还要创建社团，因为大学喜欢这样的学生。还要参加社区服务，我的意思是，要让大学看到你会关心他人。

　　2

　　这些都是期望中的完美，我们期望我们的孩子能做到完美，而我们自己却从没做到过。因为有这么多要求，我们就想，我们做父母的得和每个老师沟通，和校长、教练、推荐人沟通，搞的像是孩子的管家，像私人管家，像秘书。

　　 

　　然后对孩子，我们宝贵的孩子，我们要花心思来督促、哄骗、暗示、帮忙、唠叨、甚至讨价还价，确保他们不会在顶尖大学申请这件事上搞砸，或者故步自封，或者毁了自己的未来，即使那些大学在招生时几乎是万里挑一。

　　 

　　那么，在清单式童年中长大的孩子是怎样的呢？ 

　　首先，他们没有自由玩耍的时间，整个下午都没有空闲，因为我们觉得任何事都要充实起来。就好像每一项作业、每个测验、每个活动，都对于我们为他们规划好的未来成败攸关。我们不让他们做家务，甚至不让他们有充足睡眠，只需要他们把清单上的事情做好。

　　 

　　在清单式童年中，我们口头上希望他们开心，但当他们放学回家，我们通常第一时间询问他们的，却是作业和成绩。他们从我们脸上看到的，我们的认可，我们的爱，看到的他们的价值，却是来自成绩单上的A。和他们走在一起的时候，我们就像威斯敏斯特宠物展上的训狗员一样表扬他们，

　　 

　　哄他们跳得再高一点，再远一点，日复一日。等上了高中，他们不会问：“我该对哪些课程，哪些活动感兴趣呢？”他们只会去问辅导员，“我要怎么做才能进入好大学？”然后，当他们拿到成绩单，如果拿了几个B，甚至是可怕的C，他们会狂躁的给朋友发短信，“有谁考这个分数进了好大学吗？”

　　我们的孩子，无论高中毕业时结果怎样，都被压得喘不过气，心理脆弱，精疲力竭。他们比实际年龄更老成，盼望着大人告诉他们，“你已经做得够多了，小时候这么努力已经足够了。”他们现在却在高分的焦虑和沮丧中慢慢枯萎，有的孩子会想：这样的人生最后究竟有没有意义？

　　 

　　我们做父母的，当然认为这都有意义。我们所表现出来的，就像如果他们进不去我们期望的这几所好大学，或者找不到好工作，他们就没有未来。或者，只是我们认为可以在朋友面前炫耀，或者只是贴在车屁股上的未来。就是这样。

　　 

　　3

　　但如果你看看这件事的后果，如果你有勇气看的话，你会发现，这不只让孩子认为，他们的价值来自于成绩和分数，更是在他们正在成长的意识里，就像我们自己的电影《傀儡人生》一样，我们给孩子传递了一个信号：“嘿，孩子，没有我你什么都干不成。”

　　 

　　随着我们的过度帮助、过度保护、过度指导和过度关怀，我们剥夺了孩子建立自我能效的机会。自我能效是人类心智的重要准则，远比通过父母赞美建立起的自尊更重要。自我能效是，当一个人看到自己的行动能产生成果而建立起来的，而不是……而不是父母代表他们做出的行动，是他们自己的行动能产生结果。

　　 

　　简而言之，如果我们的孩子要建立——他们也必须建立自我能效，就需要更多的，为他们自己的人生做更多思考、规划、决定、行动、期望、应对、试验、犯错、梦想以及体验。

　　  

　　我现在是不是在说，每个孩子都很努力，都很积极，都不需要对他们的人生有干涉和关心，我们应该退后，任其发展呢？当然不是。

　　 

　　4

　　这不是我想说的。我想说的是，当我们把成绩、分数、荣誉和奖励看做他们童年的奋斗目标，当我们代孩子去追求进入理想中的大学、找到理想的工作，这种对于成功的定义太过狭隘。即使我们可以通过这种过度帮助，来让他们获得一些短期的成功——比如帮他们做作业而拿到的好成绩，在我们的帮助下，他们可能会有一个更好看的童年简历。

　　 

　　我要说的是，这些会让他们在自我认知上付出长期的代价。

　　 

　　我要说的是，我们应该更少关注具体哪些名牌大学是他们应该申请或进入的，而更多关注他们的习惯、心态、技能、身心健康，有了这些，他们才能在哪儿都成功。

　　 

　　我要说的是，孩子需要我们少一点痴迷于成绩和分数，而将重点放在，打造一个能帮助他们为成功奠基的童年上，比如：爱，比如：做家务。

　　 

　　我刚才是说做家务么？确实是的。说真的，这是有理由的。史上历时最长的人类研究，被称作哈弗格兰特研究。这项研究发现，专业上的成功，也就是我们期望孩子达到的，取决于小时候做的杂活，越早开始越好。

　　 

　　这种挽起袖子开干的心态，这种心态代表着：可能有些不想做的工作，总要有人去完成它，这个人也可能就是我。这种心态代表着：我会尽力去改善整件事情，这就是让你在工作中获得先机的东西。我们都清楚这个道理，你们也都清楚。

　　 

　　我们都已经清楚，在清单式童年中，我们不让孩子做家里的杂活。当他们长大进入职场，还在等待一个清单，但这个清单并不存在。更重要的是，他们缺乏动力和意识，不能挽起袖子去开干，不能望向四周，并心想，我怎样才能帮上同事们的忙？没有能力去思考，我怎样才能提前一步预见到老板的要求？ 

　　5

　　哈弗格兰特研究的另一个重要发现，人生的幸福来自于爱，不是对工作的爱，是对人的爱：我们的配偶，我们的伙伴，我们的朋友，我们的家庭。所以我们要教孩子如何去爱，要爱别人，他们要先学会爱自己，想要他们爱自己，我们就要给予他们无条件的爱。

　　 

　　是的。所以，放下对成绩和分数的痴迷，当我们亲爱的孩子放学回家，或者我们下班回家，我们要关掉电子设备，把手机放到一边，看着他们的眼睛，让他们看到我们脸上洋溢的喜悦，就像第一次看到我们初生的孩子。

　　 

　　然后我们应该说，“你今天过得怎样？今天有什么高兴的事吗？”然后你的女儿会说，“午饭”，就像我女儿一样。但我想听到的是数学考试，不是午饭，但你还是得表现出对午饭的兴趣，你应该说，“今天的午饭哪里比较棒？”他们需要知道，他们本身对我们很重要，而不是他们的学习成绩。

　　 

　　好，你可能会想，家务和爱，这听起来很好，但是得了吧。大学看的是好成绩、荣誉和奖项。我会告诉你们，是有那么点。那些最有名的学校需要这些，但有个好消息。与大学排行榜传达的信息相反。

　　 

　　你不需要为了人生的幸福和成功，一定要去那些最有名的学校。幸福和成功的人们也会来自于公立学校，来自于没人听过的学院，来自于社区大学，来自于附近的学校甚至被退学。

　　 

　　证据就来自这个房间，来自我们的社区，这就是事实。

　　 

　　如果我们眼光放开一些，愿意看一些别的大学，抛开我们的偏见，我们会接受并拥抱这个事实，并且意识到，我们的孩子考不上顶尖大学并不是什么世界末日。更重要的是，如果孩子不在严格的清单约束下长大，等他们进入大学，不管什么大学，都是他们自主决定的，是他们自身渴望的，想要在那里有一番作为。

　　6

　　 我得向你们坦白一些事。我刚才提到我的两个孩子，Sawyer和Avery，他们都十来岁。有一次，我觉得我对待我的Sawyer和Avery，就像对待盆栽一样——我想要小心的把他们修修剪剪，塑造成完美的人，完美到可以把他们送进最受欢迎的大学。

　　 

　　但是，我在工作中接触了几千个别人家的孩子，我才意识到——我意识到我的两个孩子，他们不是盆栽，他们是野花，未知品种的野花。

　　 

　　我的工作是提供成长的环境，通过家务和爱，让他们变得强大。爱他们，他们才会爱别人，接受爱。上大学、选专业、找工作，都由他们自己。我的工作不是把他们变成我想要的样子，而是支持他们做辉煌的自己。

　　 

　　谢谢。 

　　How to raise successful kids

　　— without over-parenting

　　You know, I didn't set out to be a parenting expert. In fact, I'mnot very interested in parenting, per Se. It's just that there's a certainstyle of parenting these days that is kind of messing up kids, impeding theirchances to develop into theirselves. There's a certain style of parenting thesedays that's getting in the way.

　　 

　　I guess what I'm saying is, we spend a lot of time being veryconcerned about parents who aren't involved enough in the lives of their kidsand their education or their upbringing, and rightly so. But at the other endof the spectrum, there's a lot of harm going on there as well, where parentsfeel a kid can't be successful unless the parent is protecting and preventingat every turn and hovering over every happening, and micromanaging everymoment, and steering their kid towards some small subset of colleges andcareers.

　　 

　　When we raise kids this way, and I'll say we, because Lord knows, inraising my two teenagers, I've had these tendencies myself, our kids end upleading a kind of checklisted childhood.

　　 

　　And here's what the checklisted childhood looks like. We keep themsafe and sound and fed and watered, and then we want to be sure they go to theright schools, that they're in the right classes at the right schools, and thatthey get the right grades in the right classes in the right schools. But notjust the grades, the scores, and not just the grades and scores, but theaccolades and the awards and the sports, the activities, the leadership. Wetell our kids, don't just join a club, start a club, because colleges want tosee that. And check the box for community service. I mean, show the collegesyou care about others.

　　 

　　And all of this is done to some hoped-for degree of perfection. Weexpect our kids to perform at a level of perfection we were never asked toperform at ourselves, and so because so much is required, we think, well then,of course we parents have to argue with every teacher and principal and coachand referee and act like our kid's concierge and personal handler andsecretary.

　　 

　　And then with our kids, our precious kids, we spend so much timenudging, cajoling, hinting, helping, haggling, nagging as the case may be, tobe sure they're not screwing up, not closing doors, not ruining their future,some hoped-for admission to a tiny handful of colleges that deny almost everyapplicant.

　　 

　　And here's what it feels like to be a kid in this checklistedchildhood. First of all, there's no time for free play. There's no room in theafternoons, because everything has to be enriching, we think. It's as if everypiece of homework, every quiz, every activity is a make-or-break moment forthis future we have in mind for them, and we absolve them of helping out aroundthe house, and we even absolve them of getting enough sleep as long as they'rechecking off the items on their checklist. And in the checklisted childhood, wesay we just want them to be happy, but when they come home from school, what weask about all too often first is their homework and their grades. And they seein our faces that our approval, that our love, that their very worth, comesfrom A's. And then we walk alongside them and offer clucking praise like atrainer at the Westminster Dog Show —

　　 

　　coaxing them to just jump a little higher and soar a little farther,day after day after day. And when they get to high school, they don't say,'Well, what might I be interested in studying or doing as anactivity?' They go to counselors and they say, 'What do I need to doto get into the right college?' And then, when the grades start to roll inin high school, and they're getting some B's, or God forbid some C's, theyfrantically text their friends and say, 'Has anyone ever gotten into theright college with these grades?'

　　 

　　And our kids, regardless of where they end up at the end of highschool, they're breathless. They're brittle. They're a little burned out.They're a little old before their time, wishing the grown-ups in their liveshad said, 'What you've done is enough, this effort you've put forth inchildhood is enough.' And they're withering now under high rates ofanxiety and depression and some of them are wondering, will this life ever turnout to have been worth it?

　　 

　　Well, we parents, we parents are pretty sure it's all worth it. Weseem to behave — it's like we literally think they will have no future if theydon't get into one of these tiny set of colleges or careers we have in mind forthem.

　　 

　　Or maybe, maybe, we're just afraid they won't have a future we canbrag about to our friends and with stickers on the backs of our cars. Yeah.

　　 

　　But if you look at what we've done, if you have the courage toreally look at it, you'll see that not only do our kids think their worth comesfrom grades and scores, but that when we live right up inside their preciousdeveloping minds all the time, like our very own version of the movie'Being John Malkovich,' we send our children the message: 'Heykid, I don't think you can actually achieve any of this without me.' Andso with our overhelp, our overprotection and overdirection and hand-holding, wedeprive our kids of the chance to build self-efficacy, which is a reallyfundamental tenet of the human psyche, far more important than that self-esteemthey get every time we applaud. Self-efficacy is built when one sees that one'sown actions lead to outcomes, not — There you go.

　　 

　　Not one's parents' actions on one's behalf, but when one's ownactions lead to outcomes. So simply put, if our children are to developself-efficacy, and they must, then they have to do a whole lot more of thethinking, planning, deciding, doing, hoping, coping, trial and error, dreamingand experiencing of life for themselves.

　　 

　　Now, am I saying every kid is hard-working and motivated and doesn'tneed a parent's involvement or interest in their lives, and we should just backoff and let go? Hell no.

　　 

　　That is not what I'm saying. What I'm saying is, when we treatgrades and scores and accolades and awards as the purpose of childhood, all infurtherance of some hoped-for admission to a tiny number of colleges orentrance to a small number of careers, that that's too narrow a definition ofsuccess for our kids. And even though we might help them achieve someshort-term wins by overhelping — like they get a better grade if we help themdo their homework, they might end up with a longer childhood résumé when wehelp — what I'm saying is that all of this comes at a long-term cost to theirsense of self. What I'm saying is, we should be less concerned with thespecific set of colleges they might be able to apply to or might get into andfar more concerned that they have the habits, the mindset, the skill set, thewellness, to be successful wherever they go. What I'm saying is, our kids needus to be a little less obsessed with grades and scores and a whole lot moreinterested in childhood providing a foundation for their success built onthings like love and chores.

　　 

　　Did I just say chores? Did I just say chores? I really did. Butreally, here's why. The longest longitudinal study of humans ever conducted iscalled the Harvard Grant Study. It found that professional success in life,which is what we want for our kids, that professional success in life comesfrom having done chores as a kid, and the earlier you started, the better, thata roll-up-your-sleeves- and-pitch-in mindset, a mindset that says, there's someunpleasant work, someone's got to do it, it might as well be me, a mindset thatsays, I will contribute my effort to the betterment of the whole, that that'swhat gets you ahead in the workplace. Now, we all know this. You know this.

　　 

　　We all know this, and yet, in the checklisted childhood, we absolveour kids of doing the work of chores around the house, and then they end up asyoung adults in the workplace still waiting for a checklist, but it doesn'texist, and more importantly, lacking the impulse, the instinct to roll up theirsleeves and pitch in and look around and wonder, how can I be useful to mycolleagues? How can I anticipate a few steps ahead to what my boss might need?

　　 

　　A second very important finding from the Harvard Grant Study saidthat happiness in life comes from love, not love of work, love of humans: ourspouse, our partner, our friends, our family. So childhood needs to teach ourkids how to love, and they can't love others if they don't first lovethemselves, and they won't love themselves if we can't offer them unconditionallove.

　　 

　　Right. And so, instead of being obsessed with grades and scores whenour precious offspring come home from school, or we come home from work, weneed to close our technology, put away our phones, and look them in the eye andlet them see the joy that fills our faces when we see our child for the firsttime in a few hours. And then we have to say, 'How was your day? What didyou like about today?' And when your teenage daughter says,'Lunch,' like mine did, and I want to hear about the math test, notlunch, you have to still take an interest in lunch. You gotta say, 'Whatwas great about lunch today?' They need to know they matter to us ashumans, not because of their GPA.

　　 

　　All right, so you're thinking, chores and love, that sounds all welland good, but give me a break. The colleges want to see top scores and gradesand accolades and awards, and I'm going to tell you, sort of. The very biggestbrand-name schools are asking that of our young adults, but here's the goodnews. Contrary to what the college rankings racket would have us believe —

　　 

　　you don't have to go to one of the biggest brand name schools to behappy and successful in life. Happy and successful people went to state school,went to a small college no one has heard of, went to community college, went toa college over here and flunked out.

　　 

　　The evidence is in this room, is in our communities, that this isthe truth. And if we could widen our blinders and be willing to look at a fewmore colleges, maybe remove our own egos from the equation, we could accept andembrace this truth and then realize, it is hardly the end of the world if ourkids don't go to one of those big brand-name schools. And more importantly, iftheir childhood has not been lived according to a tyrannical checklist thenwhen they get to college, whichever one it is, well, they'll have gone there ontheir own volition, fueled by their own desire, capable and ready to thrivethere.

　　 

　　I have to admit something to you. I've got two kids I mentioned,Sawyer and Avery. They're teenagers. And once upon a time, I think I wastreating my Sawyer and Avery like little bonsai trees —

　　 

　　that I was going to carefully clip and prune and shape into someperfect form of a human that might just be perfect enough to warrant themadmission to one of the most highly selective colleges. But I've come torealize, after working with thousands of other people's kids —

　　 

　　and raising two kids of my own, my kids aren't bonsai trees. They'rewildflowers of an unknown genus and species —

　　 

　　and it's my job to provide a nourishing environment, to strengthenthem through chores and to love them so they can love others and receive loveand the college, the major, the career, that's up to them. My job is not tomake them become what I would have them become, but to support them in becomingtheir glorious selves.

　　 

　　Thank you.

　　

　　Julie Lythcott-Haims，曾就读于哈佛大学法学院、加州艺术学院、斯坦福大学。毕业后曾做律师，之后在斯坦福大学任校长助理、教务长、新生学院院长等职十多年之久，同时也是两个孩子的妈妈。

　　这些文章，有看头！

　　1

　　TED专辑

　　视点 | 可汗学院创始人说：考试分数不是教育的目的——TED演讲，附中英文讲稿

　　肯·罗宾逊TED演讲：学校扼杀创造力

　　【教育观察】肯·罗宾森：如何逃出教育的死亡谷——思考教育要用农业思维

　　2

　　教育&未来

　　视点 | 我们的孩子将面临怎样的未来世界？

　　视点 | 熊孩子、乖孩子？——王晓渔谈自由教育

　　视点 | 好奇心和想象力是怎样被扼杀掉的？

　　视点 | 美国的深度学习是什么？马萨诸塞大学波士顿分校终身教授严文蕃如是说

　　视点 | 怎样才算真正地受过教育？耶鲁大学校长如是说

　　视点 | 什么样的作业才是有效作业？

　　诺贝尔奖得主：东亚教育制度浪费时间

　　视点 | 相信吗？那些优秀的大学正把你的孩子变成僵尸

　　视点 | 中国教育的罪与罚

　　视点 | 如何获得幸福人生？哈佛700人76年的幸福报告

　　视点 | 我们玩什么样的游戏，就会成为什么样的人

　　视点 | 小朋友也有Rights

　　视点 | 我们能从“最不靠谱美国妈妈”那里学到什么？

　　深度 | 德国最好中小学的六大特点，个个戳中中国教育痛点

　　3

　　家庭&亲子

　　亲子 | 如何迎接“性启蒙”时代？

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